It's a Cracker!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!

And a truly appalling one:
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!


And one from my other half's flying club boys' night out:
Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!

Yes, you're right. What fun nights out those must be!

Shall I stop now?

Nah. One more is necessary.

And since I'm an English teacher, it has to be this one:

What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!

Who hides in the bakery at christmas?............ A mince spy

What do you call a crate of ducks?............ A box of quackers

Why are ghosts so bad at lieing?...............You can see straight through them.

When do astronauts eat their food?......At launch time

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?........A left ear, a right ear and a final frontier

Why did the crab blush?..... Because it saw the salad dressing

Why did the sand blush? Because the sea wee'd

What did daddy candle say to baby candle?.....Your too young to go out tonight

I must be getting close Fiona, on sheer determination alone

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry growing on my head"

Doctor: "I can give you some cream for that!"

Why do Daleks and Cybermen like to eat apples?

Because an apple a day keeps The Doctor away!

I think we are reaching new highs of lows in jokes now.

Brilliant! Some worthy contenders even if the shark-infested custard is ineligible because it was mine.

Keep 'em coming.

What do you call a Deer with no eyes?...........No Idea!

What do you call a Deer with no eyes and no legs?...........Still no idea.

What do you call a Deer with no eyes, no legs and on the barbeque?..... Still no flaming idea.
courtesy of my eldest.. Stanley.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint.

All the sailors ended up being marooned.

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?



Wi' Jammin

What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?



Hope you like Jammin too.

How do monkeys make toast?


Stick some bread under the gorilla!

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun?


Whatever it wants you to call it.

What do you call an Middle Eastern gentleman working on a Jack hammer with bacon sandwich on his head?

Sheik Ahmed

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What do you call a Scotsman with a shovel

Doug

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What do you call a Scotsman without a shovel

Douglas






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Thks to Tommy Cooper
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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.

'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Re your Scotsman jokes - the best one is the original of your version:



What do you call a Scotsman whose doesn't have a pet canine?


Douglas


OF course, knowling the lingo helps here!!!