It's a Cracker!

I have been eating christmas decorations and now have a sore throat - doctor has diagnosed Tinselitis

How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb!

No one knows... they're still arguing over the plans!

How many farmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

5 One to hold the ladder, one to change the bulb and three to lament about how much better it was in the good old days.

How many ex-husbands does it take to change a lightbulb?

ZERO!!! The ex-wife got all the light fixtures with the house!

How many sailors does it take to change a lightbulb?

3,009: one to requisition the lightbulb...in triplicate, one to sign the requisition, one at motor-T to sign out a vehicle, two to drive down to the warehouse and pick up the lightbulb, 2 to set up and hold the ladder, one to grant permission for the sailor with the bulb to come aboard the ladder and one to change the ladder; plus 3,000 to provide support.

How many Marines does it take to change a lightbulb?

13: 1 fire team (4 Marines) to sneak over to the Navy side of the base and steal the new bulb put in by the Navy; 1 fire team to go over to the Navy side to steal a ladder. First and second fire teams converge on the location of the out bulb while fire team 3 provides perimeter support and cover and one Navy Corpsman to provide medical assistance if needed. Upon completion of the mission fire teams one and 2 stash the ladder for future use and dispose of the spent light bulb, while fire team 3 goes to the base exchange to purchase BEER and returns to the barracks to establish an alibi for their squad mates.

Semper Fi!

Jay

If olive oil comes from olives,
and corn oil comes from corn.

If peanut oil comes from peanuts,
and sunflower oil comes from sunflowers.

Where does baby oil come from?

will baddeley wrote:I must be getting close Fiona, on sheer determination alone

Will i thought these were supposed to be CHRISTMAS jokes not Scottish jokes! so you disqualify yourself ha ha

bigsteve wrote:

will baddeley wrote:I must be getting close Fiona, on sheer determination alone

Will i thought these were supposed to be CHRISTMAS jokes not Scottish jokes! so you disqualify yourself ha ha

Sorry Steve, I accidently put them in the wrong place. They are not Scottish jokes....They're Scottish facts

will baddeley wrote:

bigsteve wrote:

will baddeley wrote:I must be getting close Fiona, on sheer determination alone

Will i thought these were supposed to be CHRISTMAS jokes not Scottish jokes! so you disqualify yourself ha ha

Sorry Steve, I accidently put them in the wrong place. They are not Scottish jokes....They're Scottish facts

well this is very true i like the one about the scotsman who gets double glazing - so his kids can not hear the ice cream man and the light bulb one.

Come on Fiona ........ And the winner is!!!!!!! Will and i will not sleep tonight haha x

bigsteve wrote:Come on Fiona ........ And the winner is!!!!!!! Will and i will not sleep tonight haha x

And the winner is!!!!!!! Will. and i will not sleep tonight haha


Steve, thankyuo but the judging is not up to you

Boys Boys Boys - as previously stated the competition winner will not be announced until December 25th which according to my (admittedly Scottish, so there may be pages missing) diary is not until tomorrow.

And.... as I haven't seen a single Toblerone or Terry's Chocolate Orange pass my in my direction by way of bribery, it's still WIDE open yet.

well i am sure as i walk past fiona at the joy of bonsai a terrys chocolate orange may roll in her direction!!!!!

What was that earlier comment about DIQUALIFICATION? I think you'll find bribery is much higher on the list Steve. You must be really worried about the quality of your jokes Never mind eh

will baddeley wrote:What was that earlier comment about DIQUALIFICATION? I think you'll find bribery is much higher on the list Steve. You must be really worried about the quality of your jokes Never mind eh

I am shocked and astounded that such scurrilous allegations could be made against me.(local co-op doing a deal on them at the moment)
besides toblerones will not roll in fionas direction.
AND my jokes are as bad as anyone elses..........

What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?
This one will sleigh you !

Why do reindeer wear fur coats ?
Because they would look silly in plastic macs !

Why did the reindeer wear black boots ?
Because his brown ones were all muddy !

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ?
Because he didn't want to be recognised !

What do reindeer have that no other animals have ?
Baby reindeer !

Looks like your panicking now Steve

will baddeley wrote:Looks like your panicking now Steve

panic(ing) bricks
scottish santa comes down the chimmney
he said "does anyone want to but some presents"

Talking about" bricking it" A recent conversation at work, about poor diet and piles. One of my male collegues spoke of haemeroids being the most painful thing he'd ever encountered. He likened it to "sh###ng a tower block.... with all the windows open"

will baddeley wrote:Talking about" bricking it" A recent conversation at work, about poor diet and piles. One of my male collegues spoke of haemeroids being the most painful thing he'd ever encountered. He likened it to "sh###ng a tower block.... with all the windows open"

bet they were the metal framed windows as well !!!

The last ones reminded me of another analogy. A few years ago, a member of the house of lords, was exposed by the newspapers, for sleeping with a prostitute. The Lord in question was very large and overweight. As time went on, the newspapers interviewed the prostitute, who likened his sexual advances to " having a wardrobe fall on you, with the key in the lock". I spat my cereal everywhere

Fiona, I know they're not cracker jokes but they're still funny. Im sure they won't influence me being the winner anyway . Especially as my main competitor is nothing better than a cad and a bounder