The Suburbanites

> GOD:
> St Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world
> is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions,
> violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect
> no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
> withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
> long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of
> songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But,
> all I see are these green rectangles.
>
> St FRANCIS:
> It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They
> started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill
> them and replace them with grass.
>
> GOD:
> Grass? But, while it has its uses, it's not colorful, it doesn't attract
> butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive
> to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
> growing there?
>
> ST FRANCIS:
> Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
> green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
> other plant that crops up in the lawn.
>
> GOD:
> The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really
> fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
>
> ST FRANCIS:
> Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-
> sometimes twice a week.
>
> GOD:
> They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
>
> ST. FRANCIS:
> Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
>
> GOD:
> They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
>
> ST FRANCIS:
> No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
>
> GOD:
> Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
> And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
>
> ST FRANCIS:
> Yes, Sir.
>
> GOD:
> These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer then, when we
> cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the
> growth and saves them a lot of work.
>
> ST. FRANCIS:
> You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing
> so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so
> they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
>
> GOD:
> What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
> sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves
> in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the
> autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket
> to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.
> It's a natural cycle of life.
>
> ST. FRANCIS:
> You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn up a new
> cycle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great
> piles and pay to have them hauled away.
>
> GOD:
> No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in
> the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
>
> ST FRANCIS:
> After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something
> which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in
> place of the leaves.
>
> GOD:
> And where do they get this mulch?
>
> ST FRANCIS:
> They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
>
> GOD:
> Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St.
> Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you
> scheduled for us tonight?
>
> ST. CATHERINE:
> 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
>
> GOD:
> Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

Smithy,
Thats fantastic. Makes me think of the "Food not Lawns" idea, where people plant thier lawns with vegetable gardens. Lawns are a rather severe waste of time and space. Although I wouldn't mind having one as I am quickly running out of space for my trees on the balcony.

Todd

I 've been getting some of my clients to leave big patches on their lawns without mowing. we have had so many flowers coming up including 2 different types of orchid which they never even knew they were there.
I used to try and eliminate the clover out of my lawn but these days i encourage it and even put weeds into it as the bits with the clover have stayed green all through the hot weather. I've noticed all the lawns which are cut short and also the ones that are fed have gone really brown.
I try to get my clients to leave their lawns longer as they stay greener but the older generation have this fixation with having no weeds and they fret when the flowers poke up. They seem to think the neighbours think less of them if there are clover and daisys in the lawn.

Excellent Smithy.

I've been reducing my orchestrated flower patch and lawns ever since I moved here. You've just gotta keep an eye on whatever is a real weed in your garden.

You UKers obviously don't have things like "Homeowner's Associations" to contend with.

Talk
about bureaucracies. These amateur-run groups promote conformity in
housing development; lawns must be grass -- no native landscaping --
must mowed weekly, can have no "unsightly" lawn ornaments, etc. Fail
to do as they wish and that fine you; fail to pay, they take you to
court, ignore the judgment they put a lien on your property . . . etc.
etc.

They're one (of several) reason(s) I don't ever want to live in a development.

Dunno how it goes in England, but up here a significant number of the developments are "factored" and the factor usually says what goes for individuals' gardens. Where the properties are separated by fences it isn't so bad, but if it's communal open ground then all the petty bureaucracy Jim mentions kicks in. Homeowners usually pay a factoring fee for services and that includes grass cutting at a time specified by the factor. Woe betide if you leave your book or newspaper, the grandkids' toys or the dog out on the lawn when the "gardeners" come round! I say gardeners in "" because they are often the cheapest firm of fly-by-nights you can imagine.

Its the big corporations that encourage us to have beautiful grass/lawns and hey I love it when the grandkids come over and play on it .......but these guys have us convinced we need it......and supply us with seed, fertilizer and weed killer...the later two made from black gold......

I'm pretty sure that some housing estates in the UK also have those sort of arrangements Jim. I prefer houses with some character and age and so have always lived in places like a 400 year old Welsh farmouse. When we bought it, it was surrounded by fields but a housing development was built surrounding it. So we moved to our current home, a 110 year old Victorian semi-detatched with a long garden and views of mountains.

Smitty, thank you so much for posting this. We waste so much time and resources trying to make pretty little niches, when Mother Earth has already provided for us. Forgive me if I swear now ..."Monsonto"!
Salut, Todd