One liners

These are my favourite one liners from Last years Edinburgh festival

1. “Hedgehogs - why can’t they just share the hedge?”, Dan Antopolski

2. “I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’.”, Paddy Lennox

3. ”I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they’re up where they belong.”, Sarah Millican

4. “I went on a girls’ night out recently. The invitation said ‘dress to kill’. I went as Rose West.”, Zoe Lyons

5. “I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”, Jack Whitehall

6. “Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you’re going to get it, but it’s going to be rough.”, Adam Hills

7. “To the people who’ve got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn’t invent it!”, Marcus Brigstocke

8. “A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.”, Rhod Gilbert

9. “I’ve been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I’ve seen it six times and there isn’t.”, Dan Antopolski

10. “I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn’t finish a lot of them.”, Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson)

Why can't you come up with material like this when I'm trapped in your bloody car, instead of the groan-inducing stuff?

You gotta love the Edinburgh Festival.

How do you get a fat bird into bed??

Piece of cake!

And from one of my all-time comedy heroes and fellow Greenockian, Chic Murray:
1. A neighbour put his budgie in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

2. I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

3. A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

4. I was in London the other day and this man came up to me and asked me if I knew the Battersea Dogs Home.
I said that I didn't know it had been away.

5. There are two rules for drinking whisky. First, never take whisky without water, and second, never take water without whisky.

6. My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mudpack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

7. I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

8. We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.

9. You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.

10. There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so
much more relaxed.

11. The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

12. I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care!

Once I dated a red head! no hair just a red head !

now take my wife, PLEASE SOMEONE !!!!!!!

alex e wrote: now take my wife, PLEASE SOMEONE !!!!!!!

Are you a reincarnation of Henny Youngman?
Iris

Hi Iris, nope I,ve had a look still got mine
watched TV prog about comediens he was a funny guy

regards ALEX

Why is there only one monopolies commission?
Why is Dyslexia so hard to spell?

Too bad my poor level of English doesn't allow me to understand the full scope of these all these jokes, but I just happen to be trying Fiona's 5.a rule, I'll soon switch to 5.b and see if it works.

[Edit] It does work !

5.b: I shtill donunderhstand moist of it, but it loogz so butch funnier now

Shanks fur boasting

PS: Tony, I long to see the Gimped (or Photoshopped (R)) pictures of the IBC members' meeting at Noelander's Trophy...

winston churchill to woman who said she'd give him poison if he was her husband ; 'madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it'

while on the toilet and informed the american ambassador is on the phone ' tell him to wait, I can only manage one shit at a time'

to a woman who tells him he's ugly when he's drunk ' madam, I shall be sober in the morning. You, however, will still be ugly'

and for the pedants among us, all paraphrased as I can't remember the exact words.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To see a man lay bricks.
Iris

I used to be dyslexic but I,m KO now !

If once popped you cant stop then why do pringles have resealable lids

Just how does!! a horse poo and run at the same time

There is NO such word as gullible

Alex