It's a Cracker!

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Re Its a cracker!

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:07 am

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! It's no that dark!

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Re: It's a cracker!

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:10 am

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"

"About two acres" Jock replies.

"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.

"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."

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Re Its a cracker!

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:12 am

Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.

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Re Its a cracker!

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:13 am

Angus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."

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Re Its a cracker!

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:16 am

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

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Re Its a cracker!

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:18 am

Have you heard about the lecherous Jock who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them.

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Re: It's a cracker!

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:21 am

A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter

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Re Its a cracker!

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:23 am

One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell.

Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.

He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"

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Re Its a cracker!

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:25 am

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

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Re Its a cracker!

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 19, 2009 12:27 am

Tony's turned me into such a bitch Twisted Evil Evil or Very Mad Very Happy

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  bigsteve on Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:45 pm

fiona wrote:Okay, someone has to start off this new board.

So, as the festive season is upon us, I'm offering up a prize for the best (or worst depending on how you look at it) Christmas Cracker joke.

Not telling you what it is as the prize is a sur-prise.

Just post your daft joke here (no offensive ones, remember) and I will judge the winner on 25th December 2009.

Right - who's first?
Whats the difference between snow men and snow women?
Snowballs

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  bigsteve on Sat Dec 19, 2009 1:54 pm

what do you call a man with scratches on his face - claude
what do you call a girl with goalposts on her head - annette
what do you call a man with a shovel in his head - Doug - without a shovel - douglas
what do you call a man with 2 overcoats on - Max - in a cemetary? Max Bygraves
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head - Cliff
What do you call a chinese woman with a food mixer on his head - Blenda
what do you call a man with rabbits in his head - warren
what do you call a woman who can balance a pint of bitter on her nose and another on her elbow - Beatrix
what do you call a woman who can balance a pint of bitter on her nose and another on her elbow and a pool cue in her hand - Beatrix Potter

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  bigsteve on Sat Dec 19, 2009 2:29 pm

How do you know Santa has to be a man?
No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  jon hultgren on Sat Dec 19, 2009 4:01 pm

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll drive if you man the guns!"

Why do milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow's got the udder!

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Velodog2 on Sat Dec 19, 2009 5:20 pm

Ok here's my poor contribution (hauling these out of very old parts of the memory)

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?

Art.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the doorstep?

Matt.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the freezer?

Chuck.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

Bob.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  bigsteve on Sat Dec 19, 2009 5:42 pm

did you hear about the new bonsai shop?
they have been so successful they have moved into smaller premises!

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  bonsaistud on Sun Dec 20, 2009 10:04 am

Janie invited Archie, the very senior widower down the street, to have Christmas dinner with her and her family.

On Christmas Day, Archie came...he ate...he enjoyed it so much...he had thirds...of everything.

When he finished, he slowly got up from his chair, and looking over at Janie, he said:

"Janie my dear, the meal was delicious...what there was of it...
Eh...eh...I mean, there was plenty to eat...such as it was...".

Merry Christmas...

Pat

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  bonsaistud on Sun Dec 20, 2009 11:23 am

Iris posted, on Page 2 "...An imam, a priest, a rabbi, and a minister...".

Reminded me of this...

An imam, a priest, a rabbi, and a minister were out for a day of lake fishing. Following a morning of comradery and successful fishing, the iman stood up and streached, then sat and as he picked up his lunch, he said "I think it's about time for lunch." The priest and the minister agreed, and picked up their lunches.

In the meantime, the rabbi is looking anxiously about the boat. He finally says "I must have left my lunch back on shore. I'll go back and get it". He starts to step out of the boat, and he is stopped by the priest who says "No, No, rabbi...I'll start the outboard and take you to shore".

"That's OK, I can get it" replies the rabbi. And with that, he steps out of the boat and walks to shore, seemingly not getting wet. Meanwhile, back at the boat, the three holy men are totally astonished, and were mumbling among themselves things such as "now there's a real holy man".

The rabbi finds his lunch...walks on water back to the boat...boards, and sits down with his lunch. The iman says to the rabbi "Please my friend, tell us, show us how you can walk on water...", and the minister says "Yes, you, my rabbi friend, must be much closer to God than we are...".

The rabbi looked around at his friends and said "Oh no...I just happen to know where the stones are...".

Pat

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  bigsteve on Sun Dec 20, 2009 3:51 pm

Father Christmas' sledge broke down on Christmas Eve.
He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, 'Can you help me fix my sledge?'
'Sorry,' the motorist replied. 'I'm not a mechanic - I'm a chiropodist.'
'Well, can you give me a toe?'

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Kev Bailey on Mon Dec 21, 2009 7:02 pm

Darth Vader: "Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas - I have felt your presents"

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  John Quinn on Tue Dec 22, 2009 4:23 am

How about this for atrocious...

What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?
A towel! santa

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Tue Dec 22, 2009 4:43 am

Arrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!



As you say: atrocious

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Kev Bailey on Tue Dec 22, 2009 1:01 pm

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

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“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” - Charles Darwin.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Kev Bailey on Tue Dec 22, 2009 1:03 pm

Two Eskimos sitting in their kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank. Proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Jay Gaydosh on Tue Dec 22, 2009 5:15 pm

What do you call a man with no arms and legs...

on the front step?

Matt

on the wall?

Art

thrown across the pond?

Skip

in a pile of leaves?

Rustle

in a lake?

Bob

in a pot with water, potatoes and carrots?

Stu

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Re: It's a Cracker!

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