It's a Cracker!

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Wed Dec 16, 2009 11:05 am

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis!


And a truly appalling one:
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!



And one from my other half's flying club boys' night out:
Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!


Yes, you're right. What fun nights out those must be!

Shall I stop now?

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Wed Dec 16, 2009 11:06 am

Nah. One more is necessary.

And since I'm an English teacher, it has to be this one:

What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 16, 2009 11:41 am

Who hides in the bakery at christmas?............ A mince spy Sad

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 16, 2009 11:44 am

What do you call a crate of ducks?............ A box of quackers

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 16, 2009 11:47 am

Why are ghosts so bad at lieing?...............You can see straight through them.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 16, 2009 1:47 pm

When do astronauts eat their food?......At launch time Embarassed

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 16, 2009 1:51 pm

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?........A left ear, a right ear and a final frontier Sad

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 16, 2009 1:54 pm

Why did the crab blush?..... Because it saw the salad dressing Twisted Evil

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 16, 2009 1:56 pm

Why did the sand blush? Because the sea wee'd affraid

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 16, 2009 2:01 pm

What did daddy candle say to baby candle?.....Your too young to go out tonight Crying or Very sad Sleep

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 16, 2009 2:52 pm

I must be getting close Fiona, on sheer determination alone bounce

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  wabashene on Thu Dec 17, 2009 1:17 pm

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry growing on my head"

Doctor: "I can give you some cream for that!"

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  mr treevolution on Thu Dec 17, 2009 9:55 pm

Why do Daleks and Cybermen like to eat apples?

Because an apple a day keeps The Doctor away! alien

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Fri Dec 18, 2009 7:51 pm

I think we are reaching new highs of lows in jokes now.

Brilliant! Some worthy contenders even if the shark-infested custard is ineligible because it was mine.

Keep 'em coming.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Guest on Fri Dec 18, 2009 8:02 pm

What do you call a Deer with no eyes?...........No Idea!

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Guest on Fri Dec 18, 2009 8:04 pm

What do you call a Deer with no eyes and no legs?...........Still no idea.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Guest on Fri Dec 18, 2009 8:11 pm

What do you call a Deer with no eyes, no legs and on the barbeque?..... Still no flaming idea.
courtesy of my eldest.. Stanley.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Fri Dec 18, 2009 8:22 pm

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Fri Dec 18, 2009 8:23 pm

Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint.

All the sailors ended up being marooned.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Fri Dec 18, 2009 8:24 pm

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?



Wi' Jammin

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Fri Dec 18, 2009 8:24 pm

What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?



Hope you like Jammin too.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Fri Dec 18, 2009 8:26 pm

How do monkeys make toast?


Stick some bread under the gorilla!

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Fri Dec 18, 2009 8:28 pm

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun?


Whatever it wants you to call it.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  wabashene on Fri Dec 18, 2009 9:07 pm

What do you call an Middle Eastern gentleman working on a Jack hammer with bacon sandwich on his head?

Sheik Ahmed

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What do you call a Scotsman with a shovel

Doug

****************************************
What do you call a Scotsman without a shovel

Douglas






^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Thks to Tommy Cooper
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.

'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.


Very Happy

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Fri Dec 18, 2009 9:26 pm

Re your Scotsman jokes - the best one is the original of your version:



What do you call a Scotsman whose doesn't have a pet canine?


Douglas


OF course, knowling the lingo helps here!!! Wink

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Re: It's a Cracker!

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