It's a Cracker!
+18
Kev Bailey
jon hultgren
Henrik Stubelius
mr treevolution
Norma
Jeremy
wabashene
Jim Doiron
Hans Vleugels
bonsaisr
Will Heath
gman
Russell Coker
John Quinn
DuncanH
Smithy
JimLewis
fiona
22 posters
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Re: It's a Cracker!
and for the surrealists, one of my all-time favourites:
Q: what's yellow and extremely dangerous?
A: shark-infested custard
Q: what's yellow and extremely dangerous?
A: shark-infested custard
fiona- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
Boom boom!
I got thrown out my first class at high school in Canada c. 1964 aged 13 for having hysterics at the shark infested custard/mustard one and disrupting the science lesson.
The only time it ever happened I hasten to add.
of course if its black and extremely dangerous you're facing a crow up a tree with a machine gun
TimR
I got thrown out my first class at high school in Canada c. 1964 aged 13 for having hysterics at the shark infested custard/mustard one and disrupting the science lesson.
The only time it ever happened I hasten to add.
of course if its black and extremely dangerous you're facing a crow up a tree with a machine gun
TimR
wabashene- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
I think I understand this cracker thing now.....we call them "groaners" over here.
Will
Will
Will Heath- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
A young guy walks into the pharmacy to buy condoms. The pharmacist says that there are various packages and asked the young man if he wanted 3, 6 or 12.
"Well" says the guy, "I know this girl for a while now and tonight we dine with her parents and then we go out. And tonight it is going to happen, so I want condoms, it really is a beautiful girl, and I'm sure we will not get enough of it, so give me a big pack of 12 condoms".
Later that evening, he sits at the table together with his girlfriend and her parents. He is asked to give the blessing over the meal. He raises his hands and starts to pray, pray, pray... There is almost no end. When he finally stops praying, his girlfriend softly says: "You never told me that you were a believer?"
He whispers back: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist!"
"Well" says the guy, "I know this girl for a while now and tonight we dine with her parents and then we go out. And tonight it is going to happen, so I want condoms, it really is a beautiful girl, and I'm sure we will not get enough of it, so give me a big pack of 12 condoms".
Later that evening, he sits at the table together with his girlfriend and her parents. He is asked to give the blessing over the meal. He raises his hands and starts to pray, pray, pray... There is almost no end. When he finally stops praying, his girlfriend softly says: "You never told me that you were a believer?"
He whispers back: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist!"
Hans Vleugels- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
A man is lying quietly in bed when his wife enters the bedroom and starts undressing herself.
She is standing completely naked for the mirror and asks her husband:
"What turns you on the most, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
The man looks at his wife from head to toe and says mockingly:
"Your sense of humor!"
She is standing completely naked for the mirror and asks her husband:
"What turns you on the most, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
The man looks at his wife from head to toe and says mockingly:
"Your sense of humor!"
Hans Vleugels- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
What should you do if your mother in law is ticking against the window? You can turn the temperature of the oven up some more!
What should you do if your mother in law staggers through the garden? Shoot again!
What should you do if your mother in law goes out? Light the fire again!
And if you realy like your mother in law... here are some ways to get your mother in law quite inconvenient:
Do I know you from somewhere? Oh sorry, I did not recognize you without the mustache...
Come in! Did you walk over here, or did you take your broom?
Welcome, welcome! Take two chairs and sit down.
Is there anyone else with you? An accident never comes alone....
Do you want to drink something? Perhaps a Molotov Cocktail?
What should you do if your mother in law staggers through the garden? Shoot again!
What should you do if your mother in law goes out? Light the fire again!
And if you realy like your mother in law... here are some ways to get your mother in law quite inconvenient:
Do I know you from somewhere? Oh sorry, I did not recognize you without the mustache...
Come in! Did you walk over here, or did you take your broom?
Welcome, welcome! Take two chairs and sit down.
Is there anyone else with you? An accident never comes alone....
Do you want to drink something? Perhaps a Molotov Cocktail?
Hans Vleugels- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
Gents, A sure sign of old age is forgetting to pull your zip up after relieving yorself.
Of course......, Real old age, is forgetting to pull it down,
Of course......, Real old age, is forgetting to pull it down,
Jeremy- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
OK .... it's got to be bad ... right?
Knock, knock..
Whose there?
centipede...
centipede who?
centipede on the Christmas tree !
Knock, knock..
Whose there?
centipede...
centipede who?
centipede on the Christmas tree !
Norma- Member
Jokes
The fight I had with my wife last night, was my fault. She asked me what was on tv and I said dust!
How do you know E T is a Manchester United fan? Because he looks like one!
Why are pirates called pirates? Cos they ARRRRGGGGHHHHH.
How do you know E T is a Manchester United fan? Because he looks like one!
Why are pirates called pirates? Cos they ARRRRGGGGHHHHH.
Guest- Guest
Re: It's a Cracker!
How do you kill a circus?... Go for the juggler!
A cannibal was late for a dinner party, so he was given the cold shoulder!
A woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a double entendre.... So the barman gave her one!
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese!
A cannibal was late for a dinner party, so he was given the cold shoulder!
A woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a double entendre.... So the barman gave her one!
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese!
Guest- Guest
Re: It's a Cracker!
A man walks into a hardware shop, to buy insecticide. He holds up a box and asks the shopkeeper, " is this stuff good for vine weevil"? The shopkeeper replies " no it'll kill them".
Guest- Guest
Re: It's a Cracker!
How do you get two Whales in a Mini?... Along the M4 and over the Severn bridge.
Guest- Guest
Re: It's a Cracker!
What do we call biathlon in Sweden?
Norwegian drive by shooting!
Norwegian drive by shooting!
Henrik Stubelius- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
Two snowmen are standing next to each other. One says to the other, "Do you smell carrots?"
As a side note, I cannot let my girlfriend see this tread, she loves telling bad jokes.
As a side note, I cannot let my girlfriend see this tread, she loves telling bad jokes.
jon hultgren- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
Ah go on, Jon. There may be a prize!!!jon hultgren wrote:As a side note, I cannot let my girlfriend see this tread, she loves telling bad jokes.
fiona- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
Why does a horse have six legs?
'Cos it has forelegs in front and two behind.
'Cos it has forelegs in front and two behind.
Kev Bailey- Admin
Re: It's a Cracker!
What do dogs and trees have in common?
Bark
BTW I claim no credit for these, they were all in the crackers at the Vale of Clwyd Bonsai Society's annual Christmas Dinner on Sunday. A lovely time was had by all.
Bark
BTW I claim no credit for these, they were all in the crackers at the Vale of Clwyd Bonsai Society's annual Christmas Dinner on Sunday. A lovely time was had by all.
Kev Bailey- Admin
Re: It's a Cracker!
On the other hand, Jon.....
If your girlfriend's jokes are as bad as those last three...
But then again, that's kinda the point of this thread, if "point" is an appropriate word.
If your girlfriend's jokes are as bad as those last three...
But then again, that's kinda the point of this thread, if "point" is an appropriate word.
fiona- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
Ah well: if you cant beat 'em, join 'em:
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claus-trophobia!
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claus-trophobia!
fiona- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
What does Santa do if his little helpers get unfit?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
fiona- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
What do snowmen where on their heads?
Ice caps!
Frostbite!
What do snowmen where on their heads?
Ice caps!
fiona- Member
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