It's a Cracker!

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:13 pm

and for the surrealists, one of my all-time favourites:

Q: what's yellow and extremely dangerous?





A: shark-infested custard

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  wabashene on Fri Dec 11, 2009 4:06 pm

Boom boom!

I got thrown out my first class at high school in Canada c. 1964 aged 13 for having hysterics at the shark infested custard/mustard one and disrupting the science lesson.

The only time it ever happened I hasten to add.

Rolling Eyes

of course if its black and extremely dangerous you're facing a crow up a tree with a machine gun

Very Happy

TimR

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Will Heath on Fri Dec 11, 2009 6:31 pm

I think I understand this cracker thing now.....we call them "groaners" over here.




Will

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Hans Vleugels on Fri Dec 11, 2009 9:08 pm

A young guy walks into the pharmacy to buy condoms. The pharmacist says that there are various packages and asked the young man if he wanted 3, 6 or 12.

"Well" says the guy, "I know this girl for a while now and tonight we dine with her parents and then we go out. And tonight it is going to happen, so I want condoms, it really is a beautiful girl, and I'm sure we will not get enough of it, so give me a big pack of 12 condoms".

Later that evening, he sits at the table together with his girlfriend and her parents. He is asked to give the blessing over the meal. He raises his hands and starts to pray, pray, pray... There is almost no end. When he finally stops praying, his girlfriend softly says: "You never told me that you were a believer?"

He whispers back: "You never told me your father was a pharmacist!"

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Hans Vleugels on Fri Dec 11, 2009 9:12 pm

A man is lying quietly in bed when his wife enters the bedroom and starts undressing herself.
She is standing completely naked for the mirror and asks her husband:
"What turns you on the most, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

The man looks at his wife from head to toe and says mockingly:
"Your sense of humor!"

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Hans Vleugels on Fri Dec 11, 2009 9:38 pm

What should you do if your mother in law is ticking against the window? You can turn the temperature of the oven up some more!

What should you do if your mother in law staggers through the garden? Shoot again!

What should you do if your mother in law goes out? Light the fire again!

And if you realy like your mother in law... here are some ways to get your mother in law quite inconvenient: Twisted Evil

Do I know you from somewhere? Oh sorry, I did not recognize you without the mustache...

Come in! Did you walk over here, or did you take your broom?

Welcome, welcome! Take two chairs and sit down.

Is there anyone else with you? An accident never comes alone....

Do you want to drink something? Perhaps a Molotov Cocktail?



lol!

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Jeremy on Fri Dec 11, 2009 10:00 pm

Gents, A sure sign of old age is forgetting to pull your zip up after relieving yorself.
Of course......, Real old age, is forgetting to pull it down, Twisted Evil

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Norma on Fri Dec 11, 2009 10:18 pm

OK .... it's got to be bad ... right?

Knock, knock..

Whose there?

centipede...

centipede who?

centipede on the Christmas tree !

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  mr treevolution on Fri Dec 11, 2009 10:23 pm

Whats Brown and Sticky?

A Stick!

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Jokes

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 12, 2009 12:05 am

The fight I had with my wife last night, was my fault. She asked me what was on tv and I said dust!
How do you know E T is a Manchester United fan? Because he looks like one!
Why are pirates called pirates? Cos they ARRRRGGGGHHHHH.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 12, 2009 12:14 am

How do you kill a circus?... Go for the juggler!
A cannibal was late for a dinner party, so he was given the cold shoulder!
A woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a double entendre.... So the barman gave her one!
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese!

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 12, 2009 6:53 am

A man walks into a hardware shop, to buy insecticide. He holds up a box and asks the shopkeeper, " is this stuff good for vine weevil"? The shopkeeper replies " no it'll kill them".

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Guest on Sat Dec 12, 2009 7:06 am

How do you get two Whales in a Mini?... Along the M4 and over the Severn bridge.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Henrik Stubelius on Wed Dec 16, 2009 1:06 am

What do we call biathlon in Sweden?

Norwegian drive by shooting!

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 16, 2009 1:31 am

What do you call a fish with no eyes?.... a fsh

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  jon hultgren on Wed Dec 16, 2009 2:37 am

Two snowmen are standing next to each other. One says to the other, "Do you smell carrots?"

As a side note, I cannot let my girlfriend see this tread, she loves telling bad jokes.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:43 am

jon hultgren wrote:As a side note, I cannot let my girlfriend see this tread, she loves telling bad jokes.
Ah go on, Jon. There may be a prize!!!

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Kev Bailey on Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:45 am

Why does a horse have six legs?

'Cos it has forelegs in front and two behind.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Kev Bailey on Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:46 am

What did one dolphin say to the other?

You did that on porpoise.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Kev Bailey on Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:47 am

What do dogs and trees have in common?

Bark

BTW I claim no credit for these, they were all in the crackers at the Vale of Clwyd Bonsai Society's annual Christmas Dinner on Sunday. A lovely time was had by all.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:51 am

On the other hand, Jon.....

If your girlfriend's jokes are as bad as those last three...

But then again, that's kinda the point of this thread, if "point" is an appropriate word.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:57 am

Ah well: if you cant beat 'em, join 'em:


What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claus-trophobia!

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:58 am

What does Santa do if his little helpers get unfit?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Wed Dec 16, 2009 10:59 am

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Wed Dec 16, 2009 11:00 am

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!



What do snowmen where on their heads?
Ice caps!

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Re: It's a Cracker!

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