It's a Cracker!

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It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Wed Dec 09, 2009 5:02 pm

Okay, someone has to start off this new board.

So, as the festive season is upon us, I'm offering up a prize for the best (or worst depending on how you look at it) Christmas Cracker joke.

Not telling you what it is as the prize is a sur-prise.

Just post your daft joke here (no offensive ones, remember) and I will judge the winner on 25th December 2009.

Right - who's first?

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  JimLewis on Wed Dec 09, 2009 6:48 pm

Umm, for those of us in the former colonies, please define "Christmas cracker." As I recall "your" idea of what a "cracker" is differs widely from ours.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Smithy on Wed Dec 09, 2009 6:52 pm

What's a specimen?
An Italian astronaut

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  DuncanH on Wed Dec 09, 2009 7:49 pm

What do you call a Judge with no thumbs....
Justice Fingers!

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  DuncanH on Wed Dec 09, 2009 7:50 pm

What do you call a bullet-proof Irish man...
Rick O’Shea

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Wed Dec 09, 2009 8:54 pm

JimLewis wrote:Umm, for those of us in the former colonies, please define "Christmas cracker."
A Christmas Cracker is the tubular favour that decorates the Christmas meal table and is pulled apart with a cracking noise caused by a snap - a device similar to a percussion cap but activated not through striking but by being grated across. It usually contains a daft Christmas paper party hat, some sort of a novelty toy or trinket and a truly atrocious joke. You are already getting a flavour of the atrociousness from the competition entries thus far.

This is a Christmas cracker:


And this is a cracker too:


NB the latter statement was not my joke entry.

A harmless piece of fun OR the source of much friction at the Christmas meal if granny doesn't get the right colour of hat, or if auntie doesn't get the joke, not to mention the tantrums that ensue if none of the snaps actually goes off after your Mum made you spend days making the @**$£ things instead of buying them bulk from the store! Now I wonder which of those happened to me Rolling Eyes

Humbug anyone?

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  JimLewis on Wed Dec 09, 2009 10:29 pm

OK. Guess that's a 100% UK thing. Have at it. Laughing

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  DuncanH on Wed Dec 09, 2009 10:37 pm

OK then - last one...

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
Darling, this is the pig I make love to when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot".
The man says, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  John Quinn on Thu Dec 10, 2009 2:09 am

DuncanH wrote:OK then - last one...

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
Darling, this is the pig I make love to when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot".
The man says, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".

I think we have a strong contender here! Cool

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Thu Dec 10, 2009 10:08 am

Stop trying to influence the judge.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Smithy on Thu Dec 10, 2009 2:28 pm

John Quinn wrote:
DuncanH wrote:OK then - last one...

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
Darling, this is the pig I make love to when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot".
The man says, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".

I think we have a strong contender here! Cool

I don't think that one would be in the crackers i've ever pulled. Smile

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Thu Dec 10, 2009 3:38 pm

Smithy wrote: I don't think that one would be in the crackers i've ever pulled. Smile
This is why I liked making my own crackers.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Russell Coker on Thu Dec 10, 2009 4:03 pm

JimLewis wrote:Umm, for those of us in the former colonies, please define "Christmas cracker." As I recall "your" idea of what a "cracker" is differs widely from ours.

HaHaHa!!

Okay, on behalf of North Florida crackers everywhere I'll submit this "Christmas cracker". Hope a blonde joke is Kosher...

New Blonde Deodorant:

"I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push
up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome!"


Russell

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Smithy on Thu Dec 10, 2009 4:18 pm

What are the first signs of madness?

Suggs walking down your driveway.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  JimLewis on Thu Dec 10, 2009 9:47 pm

When I was younger, all I wanted was a BMW. Now I don't care about the W.

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Jim Lewis - lewisjk@windstream.net - Western NC - People, when Columbus discovered this country, it was plumb full of nuts and berries. And I'm right here to tell you the berries are just about all gone. Uncle Dave Macon, old-time country musician

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Tiger vs Santa

Post  gman on Thu Dec 10, 2009 9:55 pm

Whats the difference between Tiger woods and Santa?...................
Santa stopped after the third HO...........

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Will Heath on Fri Dec 11, 2009 12:21 am

Three guys are stranded on a desert island and find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same thing. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Will Heath on Fri Dec 11, 2009 12:27 am

One more, because I love this one....


A guy meets a hooker in a bar and she tells him, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, no questions asked, as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replied, "This sounds fun, why not?" He pulled his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time counted out three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and said, very slowly: "Paint…my…house."

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It's a Cracker

Post  bonsaisr on Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:13 am

An imam, a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
Iris

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Hans Vleugels on Fri Dec 11, 2009 8:31 am

A woman goes to the doctor, and says: "Doctor, there's something funny about me... My farts do not smell"... "Oh", says the doctor.... "That's odd. Go stand over there and take off your pants". So she did, and the doctor put his nose at her behind and said:"OK, you can give full throttle now".... After a few seconds the woman farted. "Pfffffft" ... She says: "And doctor, do I need surgery?".... Doctor: "Yes, your nose"...

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  Jim Doiron on Fri Dec 11, 2009 12:15 pm

A prostitute walks up to a very elderly man in a bar and asks him, "do you want to have super sex tonight?"
The old man hesitates and then says, "I believe I'll try the soup!"

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  wabashene on Fri Dec 11, 2009 2:05 pm

Q: What's ET short for?

A: Because he's only got little legs.

****

Q:What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

A: Dam!

****

Q: What athlete is warmest in winter?

A: A long jumper.

***********

Q: What is Santa's favourite pizza?

A: One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

*********
and for our USA friends

Q: Who is the most famous unmarried woman in the USA? ...

A: Miss Issippi.

*************
Q:Who is the most famous married woman in the USA? ...

A: Mrs. Sippi.


**********
all from the www

And some old ones I tell to my little niece and nephew or long suffering pub pals after a few beers...........

Q: What do you call a woman lying on the bottom of the sea?

A: Coral

*******

Q: What do you call a woman with a tray of sausage, bacon, eggs, beans and chips on her head?

A: Cafe

*******

Q: What do you call a woman standing on a slice of bread?

A: Marge

*******

Q: What do you call a woman standing between two buildings?

A: Ali

*******
etc. etc. etc. etc.


I think Christmas Crackers are UK/ Ireland/ Commonwealth only thing.

Very Happy

TimR

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:06 pm

wabashene wrote: I think Christmas Crackers are UK/ Ireland/ Commonwealth only thing. TimR
Maybe we could start a new craze.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:10 pm

And more:

I read lately of the Brown Paper Kid, a notorious outlaw in the Wild West. He was so named because he wore a brown paper stetson, a brown paper jacket, a brown paper shirt, a brown paper pair of trousers (OK pants then), brown paper boots with brown paper spurs on them and brown paper gloves. He was eventually caught and hanged. His crime?

Rustling.

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Re: It's a Cracker!

Post  fiona on Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:11 pm

Q: what do you get if you run over a budgerigar with your lawn tractor?


A: shredded tweet

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Re: It's a Cracker!

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