It's a Cracker!
+18
Kev Bailey
jon hultgren
Henrik Stubelius
mr treevolution
Norma
Jeremy
wabashene
Jim Doiron
Hans Vleugels
bonsaisr
Will Heath
gman
Russell Coker
John Quinn
DuncanH
Smithy
JimLewis
fiona
22 posters
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It's a Cracker!
Okay, someone has to start off this new board.
So, as the festive season is upon us, I'm offering up a prize for the best (or worst depending on how you look at it) Christmas Cracker joke.
Not telling you what it is as the prize is a sur-prise.
Just post your daft joke here (no offensive ones, remember) and I will judge the winner on 25th December 2009.
Right - who's first?
So, as the festive season is upon us, I'm offering up a prize for the best (or worst depending on how you look at it) Christmas Cracker joke.
Not telling you what it is as the prize is a sur-prise.
Just post your daft joke here (no offensive ones, remember) and I will judge the winner on 25th December 2009.
Right - who's first?
fiona- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
Umm, for those of us in the former colonies, please define "Christmas cracker." As I recall "your" idea of what a "cracker" is differs widely from ours.
JimLewis- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
A Christmas Cracker is the tubular favour that decorates the Christmas meal table and is pulled apart with a cracking noise caused by a snap - a device similar to a percussion cap but activated not through striking but by being grated across. It usually contains a daft Christmas paper party hat, some sort of a novelty toy or trinket and a truly atrocious joke. You are already getting a flavour of the atrociousness from the competition entries thus far.JimLewis wrote:Umm, for those of us in the former colonies, please define "Christmas cracker."
This is a Christmas cracker:
And this is a cracker too:
NB the latter statement was not my joke entry.
A harmless piece of fun OR the source of much friction at the Christmas meal if granny doesn't get the right colour of hat, or if auntie doesn't get the joke, not to mention the tantrums that ensue if none of the snaps actually goes off after your Mum made you spend days making the @**$£ things instead of buying them bulk from the store! Now I wonder which of those happened to me
Humbug anyone?
fiona- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
OK then - last one...
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
Darling, this is the pig I make love to when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot".
The man says, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
Darling, this is the pig I make love to when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot".
The man says, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".
DuncanH- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
DuncanH wrote:OK then - last one...
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
Darling, this is the pig I make love to when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot".
The man says, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".
I think we have a strong contender here!
John Quinn- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
John Quinn wrote:DuncanH wrote:OK then - last one...
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says,
Darling, this is the pig I make love to when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies, "I think you'll find that that's a sheep, you idiot".
The man says, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".
I think we have a strong contender here!
I don't think that one would be in the crackers i've ever pulled.
Smithy- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
This is why I liked making my own crackers.Smithy wrote: I don't think that one would be in the crackers i've ever pulled.
fiona- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
JimLewis wrote:Umm, for those of us in the former colonies, please define "Christmas cracker." As I recall "your" idea of what a "cracker" is differs widely from ours.
HaHaHa!!
Okay, on behalf of North Florida crackers everywhere I'll submit this "Christmas cracker". Hope a blonde joke is Kosher...
New Blonde Deodorant:
"I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push
up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome!"
Russell
Russell Coker- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
What are the first signs of madness?
Suggs walking down your driveway.
Suggs walking down your driveway.
Smithy- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
When I was younger, all I wanted was a BMW. Now I don't care about the W.
JimLewis- Member
Tiger vs Santa
Whats the difference between Tiger woods and Santa?...................
Santa stopped after the third HO...........
Santa stopped after the third HO...........
gman- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
Three guys are stranded on a desert island and find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same thing. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Will Heath- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
One more, because I love this one....
A guy meets a hooker in a bar and she tells him, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, no questions asked, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replied, "This sounds fun, why not?" He pulled his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time counted out three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and said, very slowly: "Paint…my…house."
A guy meets a hooker in a bar and she tells him, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, no questions asked, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replied, "This sounds fun, why not?" He pulled his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time counted out three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and said, very slowly: "Paint…my…house."
Will Heath- Member
It's a Cracker
An imam, a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
Iris
Iris
bonsaisr- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
A woman goes to the doctor, and says: "Doctor, there's something funny about me... My farts do not smell"... "Oh", says the doctor.... "That's odd. Go stand over there and take off your pants". So she did, and the doctor put his nose at her behind and said:"OK, you can give full throttle now".... After a few seconds the woman farted. "Pfffffft" ... She says: "And doctor, do I need surgery?".... Doctor: "Yes, your nose"...
Hans Vleugels- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
A prostitute walks up to a very elderly man in a bar and asks him, "do you want to have super sex tonight?"
The old man hesitates and then says, "I believe I'll try the soup!"
The old man hesitates and then says, "I believe I'll try the soup!"
Jim Doiron- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
Q: What's ET short for?
A: Because he's only got little legs.
****
Q:What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
A: Dam!
****
Q: What athlete is warmest in winter?
A: A long jumper.
***********
Q: What is Santa's favourite pizza?
A: One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
*********
and for our USA friends
Q: Who is the most famous unmarried woman in the USA? ...
A: Miss Issippi.
*************
Q:Who is the most famous married woman in the USA? ...
A: Mrs. Sippi.
**********
all from the www
And some old ones I tell to my little niece and nephew or long suffering pub pals after a few beers...........
Q: What do you call a woman lying on the bottom of the sea?
A: Coral
*******
Q: What do you call a woman with a tray of sausage, bacon, eggs, beans and chips on her head?
A: Cafe
*******
Q: What do you call a woman standing on a slice of bread?
A: Marge
*******
Q: What do you call a woman standing between two buildings?
A: Ali
*******
etc. etc. etc. etc.
I think Christmas Crackers are UK/ Ireland/ Commonwealth only thing.
TimR
A: Because he's only got little legs.
****
Q:What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
A: Dam!
****
Q: What athlete is warmest in winter?
A: A long jumper.
***********
Q: What is Santa's favourite pizza?
A: One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
*********
and for our USA friends
Q: Who is the most famous unmarried woman in the USA? ...
A: Miss Issippi.
*************
Q:Who is the most famous married woman in the USA? ...
A: Mrs. Sippi.
**********
all from the www
And some old ones I tell to my little niece and nephew or long suffering pub pals after a few beers...........
Q: What do you call a woman lying on the bottom of the sea?
A: Coral
*******
Q: What do you call a woman with a tray of sausage, bacon, eggs, beans and chips on her head?
A: Cafe
*******
Q: What do you call a woman standing on a slice of bread?
A: Marge
*******
Q: What do you call a woman standing between two buildings?
A: Ali
*******
etc. etc. etc. etc.
I think Christmas Crackers are UK/ Ireland/ Commonwealth only thing.
TimR
wabashene- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
Maybe we could start a new craze.wabashene wrote: I think Christmas Crackers are UK/ Ireland/ Commonwealth only thing. TimR
fiona- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
And more:
I read lately of the Brown Paper Kid, a notorious outlaw in the Wild West. He was so named because he wore a brown paper stetson, a brown paper jacket, a brown paper shirt, a brown paper pair of trousers (OK pants then), brown paper boots with brown paper spurs on them and brown paper gloves. He was eventually caught and hanged. His crime?
Rustling.
I read lately of the Brown Paper Kid, a notorious outlaw in the Wild West. He was so named because he wore a brown paper stetson, a brown paper jacket, a brown paper shirt, a brown paper pair of trousers (OK pants then), brown paper boots with brown paper spurs on them and brown paper gloves. He was eventually caught and hanged. His crime?
Rustling.
fiona- Member
Re: It's a Cracker!
Q: what do you get if you run over a budgerigar with your lawn tractor?
A: shredded tweet
A: shredded tweet
fiona- Member
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