Steven Wright

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Steven Wright

Post  JimLewis on Fri Aug 10, 2012 4:29 pm

I'm passing this on. Think about these for a bit.


If you're not familiar with the work of comic Steven Wright, he's the erudite "scientist" who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do...

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Jim Lewis - - Western NC - People, when Columbus discovered this country, it was plumb full of nuts and berries. And I'm right here to tell you the berries are just about all gone. Uncle Dave Macon, old-time country musician


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Re: Steven Wright

Post  John Quinn on Fri Aug 10, 2012 7:39 pm

And he delivers it with such a deadpan presentation... Cool

"Eschew obfuscation"

John Quinn

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Re: Steven Wright

Post  Xavier de Lapeyre on Fri Aug 10, 2012 8:05 pm

Awsome! Thanks!

Xavier de Lapeyre

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Re: Steven Wright

Post  bumblebee on Fri Aug 10, 2012 8:23 pm

I like every one of them!



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Re: Steven Wright

Post  Poink88 on Fri Aug 10, 2012 8:32 pm

Nice. Very Happy Thanks for sharing! cheers


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Re: Steven Wright

Post  Todd Ellis on Sat Aug 11, 2012 2:31 am

Thanks Jim! Those were great!

Todd Ellis

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Re: Steven Wright

Post  Tony on Sat Aug 11, 2012 3:17 pm

Nice one them!

Tony Tickle.. "that's not your real name is it?"

‎"Study me as much as you like, you will never know me, for I differ a hundred ways from what you see me to be. Put yourself behind my eyes, and see me as I see myself, for I have chosen to dwell in a place you cannot see." — Rumi

Visit Tony's Bonsai website

If you Tweet?


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Re: Steven Wright

Post  weessel on Mon Aug 13, 2012 6:01 am

Sir Jim

haha... Thank you for sharing..
I love them also..



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Re: Steven Wright

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